


rubberband

by uselace



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Character Study, F/F, I just want the girls to be happy, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, be warned this is sad, fuck shelby's dad, i hate him with a passion, i'm sorry in advance, if you can call it that, literally 4k words of angst i need help, religious trauma, shelby needs a big big hug and i want to give it to her, so why did i write this?? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:07:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29017917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uselace/pseuds/uselace
Summary: shelby knows that what she feels is wrong, so she suppresses it as best she can and tries to fit herself into the mold that everyone seems to expect.or, 5 times shelby tries to change herself and 1 time toni helps her see that that isn't the answer.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 5
Kudos: 195





	rubberband

**Author's Note:**

> based on the song rubberband by tate mcrae, which i have been listening to on repeat for literally hours and my depressed ass turned it into this. unedited and written close to midnight, so it's anyone's guess how coherent this is. 
> 
> major tw for implied self-harm, lots of homophobia, an abusive parent, and a whole heap of sadness.
> 
> stay safe. y'all are loved.

———

_And I got this rubber band on my wrist, on my wrist_

_And I snap it every time that I think about your lips_

———

Shelby first learns about homosexuals at a summer Bible camp where her dad is guest preaching. If she’s being honest, she doesn’t think it’s that bad—after all, as her dad always says, “God doesn’t do ugly”. But when she looks around, all the other kids look disgusted, and the grown-ups are standing to the side shaking their heads. She looks to her dad, maybe for reassurance, but his jaw is clenched and he looks straight ahead in a way that lets Shelby know he agrees with what the preacher is saying. He agrees that homosexuals are going to Hell, that they are immoral and have no place in society. 

She’s eight when she gets her first Bible bracelet. After the sermon, all the kids are corralled into a line to get matching rubber bands with a verse stamped into them. Shelby has questions about what was said, and the preacher must see it in her eyes when it’s her turn to receive a bracelet. 

“Now, little girl,” he says in that slow southern drawl that Texas is famous for. “Don’t let anybody tell you what’s moral, except for the Bible. God said in His own words that homosexuality is a sin, and the best we can do is pray for them.”

“But—” Shelby starts to protest, only to be promptly cut off.

“If you ever feel those evil urges, snap this bracelet against your wrist. You cannot succumb to sin, understand me?” 

Every part of Shelby wants her to say no, because why is this man telling her to hate people for something that God made? But before she can say anything, a heavy hand lands on her shoulder. When she looks up, her dad is towering over her, eyes dark and brow sharp in a way she’s only seen directed at other people before. He squeezes her shoulder until it hurts. “Tell the nice man you understand, Shelby.” 

“I understand,” she says quietly, taking the bracelet. She’s immediately steered away by her dad, who takes her to the side of the room and sits her on his knee. The bracelet is slipped around her wrist, followed by a quick snap that has her flinching away in pain. 

“I know you have questions, honey,” her dad starts. His eyes are still dark, and Shelby rubs her wrist where the bracelet hit while trying to hold back tears. “But all you need to do is follow God and His word. And the Bible tells us that homosexuality is immoral and a sin, so that’s that.”

Shelby sinks back into herself as she tries to register what he’s saying. It still doesn’t quite make sense in her small mind, but she wants her dad to stop looking at her that way. And she sure as hell doesn’t want to feel the snap of the rubber band again, so she gives a tiny nod. When her dad smiles and pats her hair, she knows that she made the right choice. 

“Let’s go get some chow, huh?” Like the perfect girl she’s trained to be, Shelby nods again and lets herself be pulled up. She learns, that day, to stay quiet and tread lightly. She learns to do whatever she has to in order to keep that look in her father’s eyes from burning into her again. 

Later that night, though, she’s laying alone in her bunk. Lights out was nearly an hour ago, and yet she’s barely been able to keep her eyes closed for more than a few minutes. She can’t stop thinking about the sermon earlier.

Can’t stop wondering if the way she sometimes thinks about other girls is a sin. 

Like Violet, one of the other girls in her cabin who Shelby devotes all her energy to impressing and can’t stop staring at. Is it a sin for Shelby to want to slip their fingers together and hold her hand?

In that moment she makes a decision. Her father and the Bible wouldn’t lie to her, Shelby reasons, and she doesn’t want to end up in Hell. She doesn’t want to disappoint everyone around her—or worse, make them mad. 

So she curls up in bed and tries not to cry when she starts snapping the bracelet against her wrist. 

———

When Shelby is eleven she meets Ella-Mae. 

They immediately hit it off after Ella transfers into Shelby’s class. Somehow, Shelby feels like she can be herself around this girl in a way that she can’t be around her family. She’ll never admit it, but she’ll always consider Ella her first real friend. 

The two talk about everything, except boys. With all her other friends, Shelby always has to choose a boy that she’ll pretend to have a crush on. It’s not easy, to try to force herself to daydream about the boys and blush when she gets teased. But after years of hearing about the other girls’ crushes, she learns. By the time she’s in the sixth grade, Shelby is so good at blending in that sometimes she doesn’t even know who she really is. 

But it’s not like that with Ella. 

When they play on the monkey bars, they chat about favorite animals or which country singer they wish they could be (Shelby chooses Taylor Swift every single time). Instead of sitting in the shade and talking like the other girls, they construct elaborate fantasies and imagine other worlds. 

Shelby thinks, at some point, that she’s never felt more alive than when she’s with Ella. 

(A part of her wishes she could hold her friend’s hand, and whenever she spends more than a couple of hours with the other girl Shelby ends up with a welt on her wrist from the bite of rubber.) 

One day after school, Shelby is invited to Ella’s house to work on a science project they’re doing together. She gladly accepts, and jokes around with Ella on the walk there from school. In a rare moment of flexibility, her dad gave them the okay to hang out when Shelby called after school, and without him hanging around Shelby feels freer than she has in a long time. 

At some point during the walk Shelby grabs her friend’s hand. Neither of them let go until they arrive at Ella’s doorstep. 

“Hi, honey,” Ella’s mom greets her when they walk in the door. “Oh, and you must be Shelby. I’ve heard so much about you. C’mere.” Before she fully knows what’s happening, Shelby is being wrapped up in a warm hug. 

She decides she likes it there. 

They manage to excuse themselves after Ella starts whining “Mom!” in increasingly higher tones. She gets a soft swat to the back of her head in return, nothing like the roughness and lack of affection that Shelby has come to expect at her own house. 

“My partner will be home in an hour or two,” Ella’s mom tells them. The two girls both nod and then scamper upstairs, eager to play and pass it off as working. Shelby is a little bit confused by the phrasing—why would you call someone your “partner” outside of a law firm or cowboy movie? But she shrugs it off, too enamored with Ella’s collection of stuffed animals to care. 

As expected, the girls get absolutely nothing done in the hour before Shelby’s dad pulls up outside the house. She doesn’t want to leave, but it’s different than when she’s gone over to other friend’s houses. This time she doesn’t want to leave because she finally knows what a home should feel like. 

But the fantasy is bound to collapse, and it does so in a spectacular fashion. When Shelby walks down the stairs, with Ella a couple steps behind, she sees Ella’s mom kissing another woman. 

She immediately freezes. Ella bumps into her back, not understanding what’s wrong. Shelby can’t process what’s going on—being a homosexual is a sin, is _evil_ , but these two women look so happy together, so in love with each other and their daughter. Tears start to prick at Shelby’s eyes as she feels the only place she’s ever felt at home get ripped out from under her. She barely manages to say a curt goodbye before she’s sprinting out to the car waiting on the street.

One look in her dad’s eyes tells her that he saw everything. 

“Shelby.” He sounds dangerous, and Shelby feels her skin crawl under his stare. “You are prohibited from going back there or talking to that girl again.”

“I swear I didn’t know,” she nearly wails, but it seems to have no effect on her father.

“I won’t have those people corrupting my daughter. I do not want that sin in my home, you understand? This is for your own good.” The steering wheel seems to give way the slightest bit under the pressure of his fists, and Shelby doesn’t want that force turned on her, so she nods. She says she understands, even if deep down she still thinks that Ella-Mae and her mom (moms?) are good people. Even if she wishes that she could have stayed in that house forever, away from her father and the fear he brings with him. 

When she sees Ella the next day, the thought of avoiding her brings Shelby to tears again. But she heard her parents yelling last night, and she doesn’t want to be trouble. So she keeps her head down, turned away from her former best friend, and snaps the rubber band whenever she thinks about talking to her. 

A month later Ella stops coming to school. Shelby overhears her parents talking about how the church rallied and forced them to move. Everything about what they’re saying seems wrong. For the first time, Shelby feels pure rage toward her father. 

She channels all that anger into pulling the band back when she’s alone. If her parents notice the bruising on her wrist, they never say anything. 

———

In middle school, everything starts to change. She falls in with a new group of friends, including Becca, who she soon can’t imagine her life without. Classes get harder, the social scene gets more intense, and some people (God forbid) start having sex.

Unfortunately, Shelby’s father also gets more intense. He starts to run a weekly bible group, which he insists Shelby sit in on. The group mostly consists of her dad preaching about the evils of drugs and premarital sex, but at least once a month he also talks about the immorality of homosexuals. Every single time the topic comes up, Shelby sits in the back of the room and squirms with the ever-present bracelet around her wrist. 

Snapping the band has become a habit, now, something she can’t picture her life without. She’s amassed a collection of various Bible or church bracelets, which she occasionally switches out or switches to the other wrist when the bruising gets too bad. Over nearly six years, she’s gotten used to the pain. It’s just another part of her life. 

Besides, snapping the band will always be better than facing her father’s ire. When she was twelve, Shelby saw how angry he was when the Supreme Court announced that gay marriage was legalized. He held a meeting with other preachers in which they all talked with hushed tones, but after everyone left he stormed around the house berating the country’s fall into sin. 

That night, Shelby hid in her closet, snapping the band and trying desperately not to think about all the images of gay couples kissing that were broadcast. She tries not to think about how _happy_ they looked. 

After that, she’s even more careful to stay on her father’s good side. She shows up every week to Bible group and spin class, carefully monitors her weight for pageants, and agrees with just about everything she says. 

Sometimes, late at night, she lays awake terrified that maybe she’s turning into her father. She tries to shake it off, but it remains a lingering fear. 

To cope with her thoughts, Shelby only throws herself into everything that she’s starting to think she might hate. Winning pageants becomes a regular occurence, along with sitting at the front of the room for Bible group and reciting verses whenever her father requests her to. Her only true friend remains Becca, but she also surrounds herself with blonde cheerleaders and their boyfriends and hopes that some of their normal will rub off on her. 

It must work, because her dad starts to smile at her more. She becomes the target of his anger less and less as she learns how to fade into the background and accept whatever he says. Their love for each other seems fabricated, but it’s at least a little bit better than fear. 

Her plan falls apart when Kyle joins the Bible group and confesses that he has homosexual tendencies. Shelby sees the way her father’s jaw clenches, and she’s immediately taken back to when she was eight years old and first became trapped in this. She has to sit there and watch as her father preaches that Kyle can find the way, that he can return to God if only he rejects the urges. 

(If it were that easy, Shelby thinks bitterly, then she wouldn’t have all her fucking bracelets, would she?)

Sitting through Kyle’s tearful talks with her dad are torture for Shelby. Knowing what the man who raised her would say if he knew what she thought hurts in a way that she hasn’t experienced before. At least, not this directly. 

It only takes a month after Kyle joins for Shelby to crack. She makes up some excuse about needing more time to study, and retreats to her room every week so she doesn’t have to hear Kyle. Not being there, though, doesn’t help with the knowledge that her father would probably think she’s an abomination. 

Nothing seems to help with that, Shelby finds. So instead she snaps the band on her wrist and tries to forget.

———

Shelby goes to her first party when she’s sixteen. Becca is there, and Andrew, of course, who told her dad they were going to go camping with their group of friends. Lying leaves a bitter taste in Shelby’s mouth, but she figures it’s better than suffocating under her father’s gaze.

Everything inside the party is completely foreign to Shelby. Even though she knows better, half of her still expected it to be made up of a circle of girls, playing would you rather and asking only innocent questions. She knows how to deal with that, at least.

People getting drunk, on the other hand, Shelby has absolutely no idea how to deal with. 

She refuses the many drinks she’s offered, based on both the fact that she has to drive home and the fact that she’s more than a little bit scared of what she might do if she allowed herself to truly let go. 

Unfortunately, being the designated driver means that Shelby finds herself standing awkwardly in the kitchen while Becca dances and Andrew finds some other girl to flirt with. 

Eventually Becca comes back, and they join a game of cards. Shelby beats everyone rather handily, although that success could probably be attributed to being the only sober one in the group. With Becca, at least, she starts to have a little bit of fun, laughing at the other girl’s drunk antics. 

Even though she’s not drunk like everyone else, Shelby can feel herself finally starting to let go a little bit. She lets Becca convince her to dance, and she can’t help the smile on her face while they move. She hasn’t felt like this with a friend since—

Well, since playing on the monkey bars with Ella. 

It’s nice.

The spell is broken when Andrew stumbles over to her, drunk off his ass, and immediately tries to shove his hands up her shirt. When Shelby protests, he only grins and pulls her through the house until he finds an empty room.

“Andrew, I’m not doin’ this,” she says quietly. 

He’s leaving sloppy kisses on her neck, undeterred by her crossed arms and frown. “C’mon, babe,” he slurs in response. “No-body will know.” 

“Andrew,” Shelby repeats, but he ignores her and takes his shirt off. She’s starting to panic, and her skin is itching, so as a last-ditch attempt she shoves him. 

“What the fuck?” He stumbles back, tripping over his shirt, and by the time he hits the ground Shelby is already running out of the house. The air outside helps her calm down, but doesn’t ease her nausea. She throws up on the curb. 

When she sinks down on the street a few feet away from the pool of vomit, Shelby is crying and clutching her cross. It tortures her that no matter what she tries to do, she can’t seem to just be normal. 

Andrew gets a ride with another girl that night. While she waits for Becca outside, Shelby snaps the band and whispers a prayer. 

_Please make me normal._

———

When Becca dies, Shelby knows that it’s her fault. 

That night, after the pageant, is the first time she draws blood by snapping the band. 

Red welts form on her wrists as she tries desperately to escape the guilt and shame that feels like it’s eating her alive. Nothing helps, though.

She’s not okay for a long time after that.

———

She’s in fifth period science when Toni Shalifoe walks into her life. 

At first, Shelby thinks she hates the other girl. After all, Toni embodies everything she’s been taught to hate—she’s brash, aggressive, certainly not a Christian, and, judging by the pin on her backpack, probably a lesbian. But God has a funny way of setting things up, because along with her Toni brings Martha, who Shelby immediately becomes friends with. 

Martha is kind, and compassionate, and being with her makes Shelby feel like a person she likes again. The pain of Becca isn’t gone, might never be gone, but Martha eases it.

Toni, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. Frankly, Shelby has no idea how the two became friends in the first place. With all her insults and jabs, Toni makes Shelby frustrated in a way that both gets under her skin and distracts her from all the pain. No matter how much she claims to hate the girl, that distraction becomes addicting. 

It only takes a few weeks for Martha and Shelby to start properly hanging out. The only downside of that is that Shelby insists on going to Martha’s house, which means that Toni is constantly hovering around them. By this point, at least, Shelby has learned how to fire back insults at Toni (though they’re more superficial than the insults hurled at her, which usually have something to do with how stupid she is for being religious and homophobic. Shelby desperately hopes that Toni doesn’t realize how far from the truth she actually is). 

The more she hangs out with the other girl, the more Toni makes her uncomfortable. At first, Shelby thinks it’s just because the other makes it very clear that she hates her. But then, one day Martha is out of the room and Toni scoots closer. “Are you okay?”

“What?” Shelby is caught completely off guard, doesn’t have any idea what Toni could be asking about. 

“I just mean—I saw your scars. On your arm, while you were reaching for something the other day. And… well, I guess I’m sorry if I ever went too far with anything. You know you can talk to me, right? Or at least Marty, if not me?”

“I—” If she were honest, Shelby would say no. She would say, _I’m pretty sure I’m gay and that fucking terrifies me_. But she can’t say any of that.

So instead she packs up her bags and runs out of the house. 

“Shit, no! Shelby!” Toni yells after her, but it’s a lost cause. 

The next time they see each other is somehow more tense without Toni hurling insults at her. The other girl seems more cautious around her now, quieter. Where Shelby would usually brace herself for some kind of jab, none comes. Toni is… softer. 

Shelby wishes she would go back to the insults, because then she would have something to focus on other than the way her stomach flips when she feels Toni’s eyes on her. 

They’re not alone again until Toni catches her one day after school. “Hey,” she pants as she approaches Shelby, not noticing the way the other girl’s hand immediately moves to her bracelet. “Um, I thought we should maybe talk. About things.” 

There’s no way she could get out of this without making it weirder, so Shelby gives a stiff “sure” and continues walking to her car. Toni keeps pace, jumping in the car uninvited as soon as Shelby unlocks it. 

For once, Toni is completely silent. She sits awkwardly in the passenger seat, watching Shelby as she navigates to a nearby park. Shelby’s wrist itches under Toni’s gaze, but she keeps her eyes on the road until she can pull into the parking lot and get out. 

Even when they’re out of the car, Toni just silently follows her to a bench. The silence continues, and makes Shelby progressively more anxious, until she can’t handle it anymore and starts snapping the rubber band. 

It takes her completely by surprise when Toni’s hand covers hers and stops it. 

The next thing Toni says is even more surprising. “You know I care about you, right?” 

“You have a strange way of showing it,” Shelby chuckles, but the other girl just looks sad. 

“I’m sorry for all the shit I said. I’ve been meaning to say it for a while, but… clearly you’re going through something. And I would feel terrible if I made it worse.” 

“You didn’t.” 

Toni gives her a small smile, stroking the back of Shelby’s hand slowly. “Do you wanna… um, do you wanna talk?” 

“Not really,” Shelby admits, watching as Toni’s eyes seem to just get sadder. “But I could use a hug, if that’s okay with you.” 

“Of course,” she says quickly. She wraps Shelby in a tight hug, and after a few seconds Shelby finds herself clinging to the other girl as tears start to fall. “I’m here for you, okay? Always.” When Shelby eventually pulls back, she’s sniffling and wiping her eyes, but manages to nod. 

On the ride home, Toni grabs her hand and doesn’t let go.

The next week, Shelby pulls Toni aside and gives her the rubber bracelet from around her wrist. The other girl looks surprised, asks if she’s sure, but Shelby nods firmly. For hours afterward, her wrist feels strangely empty. Often she finds herself rubbing the skin there as a replacement for snapping the band. But when she meets Toni after school, the other girl’s smile makes the discomfort worth it. 

She doesn’t plan it, but at some point Shelby pulls over to the side of the road. “I care about you too,” she resumes their conversation from over a week ago. 

“Really?” Toni asks, and when Shelby sees the hope in her eyes she can no longer deny that she’s been thinking about Toni almost non-stop since she met her. 

“Really.” 

She’s staring at Toni’s lips now, and she’s pretty sure Toni is staring at hers. Before she can overthink it too much, Shelby leans forward and kisses the other girl. With her hands in Toni’s hair, she feels more _right_ than she ever did kissing Andrew. 

It takes a while, but when they finally part they’re both smiling. “Thank you,” Shelby breathes, resting her forehead against Toni’s. “Thank you for everything.” 

Later, when she looks back, Shelby won’t miss those fucking rubber bands. In fact, when she leaves town with Toni after they graduate, she finds that she doesn’t miss anything at all about her old life. 

It feels good to be free. 

**Author's Note:**

> please forgive me. on a lighter note, shelby's dad is a great person to curse out if you ever have feelings.


End file.
